Healing

Upon coming home, I had mixed feelings about Russia and my mission. I don't know what it was, but it was almost like I had to go through a healing process. I loved and missed the people I had met, but that was about it. I questioned why I served a mission and if it was even worth everything I had missed out on. I missed my three best friends' weddings, my brothers wedding, I was now a year and a half behind in school, and it just felt like I had wasted my time. I just had a lot of doubts. And that was only the missionary work side of things. I learned about people who I cared about that left the church. That made me question things. I quickly reverted back to the person I used to be, not praying, not reading my scriptures, wasting time, etc. And then I never wanted to talk about Russia. All I wanted at that point was America. People would ask me about Russia and I couldn't even talk about it. It almost made me sick. (I want everyone to know that this was just a phase and I don't actually feel that way) Again, I had to heal from it all. I don't know why exactly, but it just felt right. This went on for the first two months or so. Then I decided I wanted to go through and read the emails I sent home. So, I found the emails and I just started reading from week one at the MTC. I was filled with so many emotions. I was laughing so hard one minute and then crying my eyes out the next. I was able to reflect upon so many things that I had forgotten about. I was able to read about miracles that happened and my own testimony being strengthened. It was at that moment that I realized how much I changed. The change that took place in me never would have happened without this experience. That helped to ease the pain I was feeling from missing out on so much. I was able to see all the times The Lord had been present and helped me do the impossible. It was a testimony to me that I hadn't been wasting my time but I had used my time in the best way possible. And it made me see all of the things about Russia that I missed. The cute babushki wishing me to find a husband. The ice cream stands every ten feet. The public transportation (yes, I actually enjoyed riding marshrutkas...) The delicious bakery's. The people. I met some of the greatest people in the world while in Russia. The list just goes on.I finally started to miss Russia and miss my mission. the Sunday before Christmas it really hit me. I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be back out serving people and only focusing on Jesus Christ. I again was overwhelmed with emotion. Never again will I be able to spend a Christmas focusing only on my Savior and serving others. It will forever be a memory that I cherish. And I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity to serve. I love my mission. I love Russia. And now looking back, I have nothing but happy memories. I wouldn't trade my experiences for the world. It just took me some time to finally figure that out.